So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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