Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
