did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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