Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
