Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Randomize
