what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
