I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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