Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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