I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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