found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
