Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
