My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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