you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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