I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I yelled at your uterus for you.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
