Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
