Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
