I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
