He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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