No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
