A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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