Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'm experimenting with sincerity
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
