goodnight i made you a song goodbye
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
