I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Randomize