If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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