dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
