I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
