yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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