So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
