You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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