I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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