They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I would fuck him just for his dog
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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