I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
