i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I deserve this hangover.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize