I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
