I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
