It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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