When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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