So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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