is your mom at the bar?
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
