I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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