i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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