There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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