i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
We had to coat check the pizza.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
