Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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