She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
