Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I AM VODKA MAN
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
