The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
