there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
