my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
