so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
