1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize