I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
