If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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