He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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