Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
