Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
