Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
